It's been months since I've posted to this blog, so I felt a formal update was needed.

I struggled for four months with severe depression and I want to say THANK YOU so the ladies that understood what I was going through and were there to support me. I've never had such an emotional overhaul as I did a few months ago- but I want those special people to know that I am now MILES away from that dark place. =)

After about 2 weeks on the Zoloft I started feeling better. The new year started and things at work began to turn around for me. But I can't give all the credit to my happy pills... it all goes to God and what he's done in my life. I've been completely changed and I have never been more happy with where I am, who I am, and where I am going.

Chris and I are leading a small group now with close friends every week and we're pushing through the ever difficult Total Money Makeover with Dave Ramsey. It is SO HARD to save money when you're expecting a baby! All I want to do is buy, buy, buy!

If you're interested in the amazing grace I've found- I encourage you to visit LifeChurch.tv. There is a fully functional internet campus that plays live feed every weekend for anyone with access! We have network church all over the world and some in the UK. It is just unbelievable what Craig and the people at this church have done to my life...

So- on to more exciting news! We're having a baby boy! ::big big grin::


This is our little Mason Christopher sucking his thumb at 20weeks.


(This is the shot of his junk... great one, huh?)

And that was 10 weeks ago! I'm now 30 weeks pregnant and on the home stretch! I've had a few bumps in the road, including a whole week on bed rest, a fainting spell while driving on the interstate, and one scary trip to Labor and Delivery. But I'm healthy now and Mason is actually kicking the crap out of me as I type this. He's going to be such a brat... just like his mommy. =)

In more disheartening news, I've left the HP fandom. That was really all that was keeping me linked to LJ to begin with! (That and a friend with different opinions than mine that just can't handle the fact, but I digress...) I really don't have time to keep up with fanfiction and what not. I'm not interested in writing fanfiction or erotic romance any more. One day I will pick up writing romance again, but I'm going to keep it tasteful.

If you're at all interested in what I'm going to be up to, I started a new blog, Three First Names. My family and friends in RL will be keeping up with me there and you're more than welcome to, too.

I will miss SO many of you on here and I hope to reconnect with you again!!

::smooches::

I've been de-friended on the internets! No more keeping up with old friends to see how they're doing, I guess.

Can't say I'm upset about it, certain friend that I know can still read this, but I'm more annoyed that you went the extra mile to wipe me clean from your internet haunts.

I thought most of the roads in this country were two way... but it looks like a one way road I was traveling on.

::shrug::

Took my first happy pill today... still not happy. Hmph.

Hope everyone had a MERRY MERRY Christmas- mine was relaxing and wonderful, thank you for asking. =)

I got a sapphire ring from Chris that was a HUGE surprise and I bawled like a pregnant lady when I opened it. Plus, he was really surprised with his watch that I miraculously found for a steal at JCPenny's. Our budget was only $50 for each other and that included Santa's stockings! It was hard to do, but we both stuck to the budget and it was a sweet Christmas. The gifts seemed to mean more this year b/c we had to put alot of thought into them... not necessarily alot of money.

We also got a new Nikon camera from my inlaws (I think it was kind of a "baby" gift, as well). yay! I'm downloading the software for it right now so I'll get some pics of the weekend up.

Work has been pretty tough lately and I'm not sure- but I might be taking a step back from full time for a little bit. I've been going through alot and the pregnancy hormones have triggered some sort of depression. that and I have pregnancy rhinitis- which basically means I have a 6 month long cold and have to sleep with a humidifier like a sickly child... that and my nose is forever spewing mucous. A never ending supply of mucous. Lovely.

I went home last Monday from another panic attack and was bombarded with some sort of intervention by my boss and coworker about going through depression. I had to take all sorts of screening tests and they all showed severe/moderate depression. So I'm not sure where I go from here... just that I know I need to get some help. It's not healthy to me or my baby to ignore the obvious signs. So, since I can't afford to see a therapist... or even a monthly prescription- I think my boss is going to pay for everything. He's just that kind of guy. It also helps that he went through a severe depression about 8 years ago and is still taking medication to ward it off. So he understands exactly what's going on. How I feel at times that we will just never have enough money to pay off this debt and live without worrying about money all the time. That sometimes I can't help but feel guilty for getting pregnant when we can't afford the medical bills and the ER bills and saving for when I want to take time off. That I get severe anxiety when I go to work and have to talk to customers. What? That is nothing like me! I've never been one to not want to talk to people... I just am not right. And I will be taking a break from certain things... such as the internet- until I have it all figured out. Right now, there are just more important things.

So- I will try to keep up with everyone, but I have already failed at commenting and posting in the last month, so who knows how I'll do.

High school made me hate life. I refuse to re-live it.

On a much more happier note: I GOT PIZZA FOR DINNER TONIGHT!

My husband is so amazingly wonderful. All I've wanted for the past three weeks is original crust, pepperoni pizza from Mazzio's. Oh, heaven! ::big grin::

And now I'm stuck watching 23 with Jim Carrey tonight b/c I wanted pizza and now he get's to choose the movie. blech. Anything with Jim Carrey and a sex scene is just gruesome to me. ::shiver::

I announced my pregnancy to facebook- that was so scary to do. B/c if I announce it there then it's official and I'm really going to have a baby. Oh noz! But then really I just felt relieved b/c it's out there and I don't feel like I'm skirting around anything any longer.

I'm off to work on my smut fic- it needs some tending to, me thinks.

I found these in my magazine at lunch today and thought I would share:

In lieu of the New Year, Real Simple magazine has a brilliant piece with lists by several classic celebrities.

What is on their to-do list for 2009, you ask?

JK Rowling
- Stare expectantly at fireplace.
- Give up; light fire.
- Recite mantra: No more magic.
- Sit down to work. Open folder:
"Larry Porter and the List of Decidedly Non-Magical Book Ideas."
- Break for lunch. Stare expectantly at package of sandwich bread.
- Give up; make sandwich.
- Decide which Harry Potter character should come out of the closet next.
- Do dishes.
- Roll in money.


Bill Gates
*circa 1975
- Clean out work space in garage.
- Finish term paper... Never mind.
- Have heart-to-heart with girlfriend; find out why she thinks I have trust issues.
- Finish reading that Andrew Carnegie biography.
- Give spare change to UNICEF kid.
- Work on plan for new high-tech computer monitor that can display color other than green or amber.
- Get refund from that psychic who said I'd have a career in "windows."
- Find a bowl. It's time for haircut!

::hysterically laughing::

I've been listening to Christmas music nonstop this week... I think I'm going Christmas crazy. ::cackle::

( Meme because I said so )

So- I took a mini break from my Original story idea (just a small one, I've been working very diligently on it, though I failed NaNo without a doubt FAILED)... so I took a break b/c at lunch one day I perused FF.net which is a bad idea b/c it's just so horrible. But anyway, I found this story that has a good premise... but let's face it, it's horrible- and I subjected myself to it b/c it had something about it the intrigued me. And there was this great sub-plot going on that was very devious and then she just totally took the fade-to-black escape route and pussed out of it!!

So I'm going to take that idea, make it a better, much more smutty idea and write a three part smut fic. Yay! Stay tuned.

I am trying to amp up my layout a bit and I have a pic that I need to add some text to. Any one here have a photoshop program that can do that b/c I definitely do NOT have anything but Paint. Shameful, I know. But alas I am too poor for that stuff...

Also- I embarrassingly do not know how to make a simple layout with just a header at the top with my entries below it. Anyone know some good, simple layout codes for that?

Twilight sucked my brains out.

I have no more brains.

Rob should wear Raybans more often. And I like it when vampires kiss.

That's all.

No brains = post later.

IN 7.5 HOURS AND COUNTING. SQUEEE!

Rules
1. Scissor cuts paper
2. paper covers rock
3. rock crushes lizard
4. lizard poisons spock
5. spock smashes scissors
6. scissors decapitates lizard
7. lizard eats paper
8. paper disproves spock
9. spock vaporizes rock
10. rock crushes scissors

I used to be a rock… but spock vaporized me.

Spock, of course, being life… or possibly baby.

I had a panic attack Monday… and I almost feel like I’m going to have another one any minute now.

I’ve never had a panic attack before- but for some reason when I got to work, everything hit me square in the face. It was like getting smashed by a bus. And it hurt. Bad,

Before I knew it, I was shaky, unable to focus on anything and I just started crying uncontrollably. I couldn’t cope with anything! I called my boss and said, I need to go home, there’s something wrong with me and I’m so sorry. And with that, I left. There was nothing else I could do. I went home and cried for two hours until Chris finally ran home to make sure I was okay. I wasn’t okay- not in the slightest! There is NO reason for my hormones to have been the cause of all this.

Now Chris is scared that I have the pregnancy blues (kind of like post pardem depression… just pre pardum, or idk). Please don’t make me make a decision, or talk about work, or talk about money or anything that I need to do that I haven’t done. I just don’t want to talk. Period.

We talked about my stepping down from my manager position at work- there’s way too much focus on selling. Sell sell sell!! I can’t handle it! I just want to be a paper pusher for a while, is that so much to ask? But I just can’t make myself tell the bosses that. I have such a perfect thing going here, such a great opportunity to make MONEY and be SUCCESSFUL. But is it costing me my sanity?

I almost have a hunch that Chris went back to work Monday and tried to figure up the budget and see if we could live on just his salary. What happened to me, emotionally and physically, Monday can NOT happen again- because I was a trainwreck. And trainwrecks kill unborn babies. (that sounds horrible, but it’s true)

How am I supposed to take care of a child if I can’t even take care of myself??

Well, I suppose this is long overdue…almost a whole two months!! What the hell…
If you haven’t guess it yet (pointing to icon), I’ve been MIA for a reason. (albeit, quite a silly one). That’s right, friends, this is one doodle that cannot be undid. =)

Pregnant! I am 8wks along and have already been to the doctor and gotten my first ultrasound- baby’s heartbeat was strong and I’m doing fine! So, prayers or thoughts or whatever you give would be LOVED. I just need to get through the next two months and I’ll stop worrying so much.

It’s been constant nausea for the past week… which I totally expected. Even welcomed with open arms! But hell- this sucks! Also… I think I’ve slept an average of 10 hour a night for the past two weeks. I swear to Merlin I wake up tired.

I don’t plan on telling the RL virtual world (is, facebook/myspace) until after Christmas when I will be in my 2nd trimester. Just in case, you know… the unthinkable happens, I don’t want to have to deal with people being like, “How is the baby?” Yada yada yada. So I waits.

I’ve been working away at my smutty_claus fic and I finished it EARLY (I know, like whoa) and have already turned it in. Thank you betta329 for being so awesome and helping me with that.

I am working on my NaNo now- I know I’m a bit late, but I’ve got a plot and crazy idea that I could ever finish a romance/fantasy trilogy. Yes, yes, romance trilogies are total cliché (thanks, Nora Roberts) but I love my idea. It originally stemmed from an AU marauder idea but I made it too AU in my head and it wasn’t even James, Sirius, and Remus any more. They molded into these totally different men that I can’t get rid of (and their hawt, mind you)
So soon you will be hearing about my tales of Prince Phin, Trystan, and Raef of the Luxe kingdom as they battle Emperor Byron in Duren. Or something like that… erm.

It’s good to be back! Don’t let me do this again- no more 1.5 month mia’s, mmkay?

Pronglet died. Stupid stupid HP! Why do you have to be so effing retarded?

So I'm just sitting happily typing away on little Pronglet, nothing but butterflies and blog in my mind and WHAM. Mozilla is Not Responding. WTF? So I turn him off and start him back up...

OPERATING SYSTEM NOT FOUND.

omg.

omg omg no no what the hell no omg why me!!

My hard drive did a bunk. Just decided that it didn't want to work, hence... stopped working. I lost all my files. Writing, stories, research, icons, pictures. Everything. I only had movies and music backed up. I'd only had the damn thing for 3 weeks!! I hadn't even thought about backing up my doc files!

betta329 and her hubby, Steven "Whiz Kidd," were luckily coming to town the next day. We spent all evening running around Tulsa trying to find a hard drive like it to replace a part and try to salvage the data.. but no. Nothing could be done.

I want to extend the most heart felt thank you to betta329 and Steven for trying so hard to help my through this. You know how devastated I as about it and I couldn't have kept a sane bone in my body without you two. You guys are seriously some of the best friends I've ever had!

Pronglet has been mailed away to LaLa land and is expected to make a full recovery and be back a week from today. I need to catch up on Friends List and post some stuff later tonight. I watch The Biggest Loser adamently, so I will be doing that for two hours and then I will be back.

BTW, lady_ceky recced this community:It's beautiful. Check it out.



join inyourlight!


It's beautiful. Check it out.
BRB!

Watching the VMAs. Chaos. Russell Brand is a dick. I can't stand this asshole. And WTF! He just cut RPatts off and and I hate his fucking guts!!

Shut up about Bush and the election you British bastard! You are not entitled to an opinion! You British people and your words. (apologize UK friends... totally do NOT mean you.)I mean... he can have his opinion, but to take up 10 effing minutes of air time on a major award show to tell US who to vote for is bullshit. ARG! i just hate him. alot.

/rant

On an even worse note... Colts are LOSING. First game of the season and their sitting around with their fingers up their arses. omg effing kill me now.

I'm angry at the world tonight. and interestingly enough, I was fine until I turned on MTV. Teenagers and rap music, and dickwad brand have just pissed me off.

smutty_claus sign-ups for watchers starts at midnight tonight! There's already about 35 slots filled out of 80. I plan on submitting first thing tomorrow morning if I can!

Anyone else?

Well- my obvious choice would be James Potter because then we could spend all our time ravishing each other and forgetting our other obvious significant others. But then I think about it just a tad longer - ten more seconds, to be exact - and I think I would rather be with Sirius Black. He's SO much more fun! And I will need entertainment on the island, for sure.

Sirius. Final answer.

Greetings from Pronglet, my new and shiny laptop computer!

My husband finally gave in a let me spend some money on a new laptop. My other one, Prongs, died a tragic IE explorer death... but Pronglet will live in his memory!

Hopefully now I can get some writing done (which doesn't happen at the desktop in the middle of the living room), and update more often from the comfort of my bed. thank you.

=)

I utterly failed at xmas fic exchange last season, but I still feel compelled to enter another exchange! I think I have better discipline now and more confidence to write and post!

snegurochka_lee is one of my absolute favorite porn writers and I think she may pick up my prompt over at erotic_elves! I'm tempted to pick up a prompt if the community goes through with the exchange.

Any one entering a holiday fic exchange this year? It's about that time!

I'm indifferent to life.

Two weeks ago, I was excited about life. Excited about something, anyways. I had things to say, people to see, projects to work on, and plans to make. If you asked me today- How was your day, Laura? I would say... meh. Nothing happened. I'm tired... I'm going to watch tv and go to bed.

WTF?

I don't care about anything. I mean- I care. I'm not, like, depressed or suicidal or anything like that. I still love my life and everyone it and where I am right now. But I feel like I've hit an emotional plateau. I don't feel like I'm going up hill... nor down hill. I'm stagnant.

It's so weird to feel like this!! And I know I'm not explaining it well enough. It's hard to put into words... lol, it's ineffable. (which, coincidentally, I am too!)

Helped my mom with some wedding invitations tonight. We are throwing my cousin a bridal shower in September and my mother is obsessing over our home made invites. I swear, I could have taken this project by the horns and had it done in one day- but no, my mother is being so damned anal about everything that it's taking a month! It doesn't have to be perfect, MOM!!

I don't have time for this shit. I have Olympics to watch.

/rant

Something of interest to you... I found two fics today that were pure gems!

This one I found at nest_of_spiders.

By zapeek, Denial
L/J three shot.
-->The third chapter is what made me love it. Mostly just the ending. It made me feel warm and fuzzy inside.

And then on a whim of genius, I found

The Anatomy of a Bromance by Whilhelmina Willoughby.
-->It's brilliant!

And It Burns Like Me For You, also by Wilhelmina.
-->HOT, great concept.




Edit: Thank you to everyone's encouraging words. It means alot to me while I'm still trying to get over this loss. Appreciate every single one of you!

*flying kisses*